What Forgiveness Means to me - By Hollie Shaw

Unpopular opinion, people put themselves under unnecessary pressure to forgive someone who has hurt them badly. It's new year eve and that marks the anniversary of one of my best friends raped me and then committed suicide a month later. It's been 14 years and one phrase I heard so much was, " you won't heal if you can't forgive him. Holding on to that anger toward him will only make you miserable for the rest of your life." This advice usually comes from people who don't know what else to say. Sometimes it's well intended. Other times it's because they are super uncomfortable because they have no idea how to help. They end up making it your fault that you are struggling with dealing with these intense emotions. So they would rather you shut up so they won't have to deal with them being uncomfortable. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily equate healthy. Intense emotions don't go away by avoiding them for the sake of trying to forgive. So I am here to tell you this. You are not obligated to forgive the people who have hurt you. You are capable of healing while never forgiving the person who hurt you. Suppressing those emotions will only lead to unhealthy coping techniques. When i was in the beginning stages of healing this particular trauma I did everything I possibly could not to feel that anger and resentment I have as the result of what he did to me When I failed at not feeling those emotions it made me feel helpless and weak. Like he was raping me all over again. I had unrealistic ideas about what healing looks like. Eventually, I had to learn that way was not getting me anywhere. The only way I was going to be able to move forward in my life is if I learned how to handle this pain and anger in a non destructive way. Feeling these emotions is completely normal. What is not okay is hurting other people. In the early stages of my healing journey I hurt so many people around me. The pain was so intense and I had zero skills to know how to let it out without being destructive. It was like all that pain had nowhere to go so I would just explode or try to hurt myself just to have some sort of release. I would get some relief for a few moments. But it didn't last. When you are that desperate you will chase those moments of relief even when they are mostly ineffective. This person was my best friend. We grew up together. He betrayed me. Eventually I realized me trying to forgive him was inflicting more pain on myself. I had to ask myself if forgiving him Is worth all the pain it's causing me. Forgiveness is supposed to freeing but for me it felt like a cage. Trapped under the weight of expectations. That told me I was not ready to forgive him. Giving myself permission to not be okay. He was dead. I'm still here. I have to deal with the consequences of what he did to me. It wasn't my fault. But it is my responsibility to do my best to heal. My responsibility to pursue the life that I deserve. To be kinder than those people who hurt me. I had to develop the skills to deal the pain he caused. I had to become the person that reflects the kind of life I want. I learned to sit with my pain without turning to unhealthy habits. I had to recreate myself into someone I love. I had to accept that I may never forgive him and be okay with that. Forgiveness isn't the goal. The goal also isn't to not feel pain. The goal is not allowing the pain to rob you of the life you deserve. What's crazy for me to think is when I was able to learn how to cope with the trauma I was able to eventually forgive him. I was finally able to grieve the loss of my friend without feeling embarrassed because I miss him. That one night changed my life forever. But it doesn't erase all the years we had been close friends. I cared about him. It was with this situation that I came to realize 2 things can be true at once. Healing isn't black and white. We are human, complex, complicated creatures. Therapy can help sorting through all these things