Learning About Grief From an Old Friend - James R Phillips (CEO of ABOVE)

I admit it I didn't think it was a good idea, Vanessa wanted a dog and all I could think about was the hassle of cleaning up after it, feeding it, and early morning walks. All things that didn't seem like something I was interested in adding to my lifestyle. Vanessa brought Buddy home and he was a fully grown male Maltese that could obviously use a little TLC. Between myself, Vanessa , and the kids we had loving care in ample supply. It wasn't too long until Buddy was a part of the family joining us for holidays, birthdays, vacation, and lazy afternoons on the couch. As time went on, Buddy grew to appreciate his family as much as we appreciated him and it became hard to imagine our life without him. We began to notice Buddy was slowing down a bit the spring of 2021. He had an old injury to a knee that seemed to be getting more acute, he struggled with the stairs and long walks, he developed a low platelet count in his blood that needed constant monitoring. Vanessa and I were up for the challenge of additional care for our furry family member and resolved to give him the best life we could. Buddy went on every vacation, had quite the wardrobe, got special home cooked food, and got a new treat anytime we passed by Petsmart. We kept this up for several years, occasionally noticing slight improvement, but realizing ultimately we were fighting a losing battle. I remember this vividly like yesterday...There was always something very expressive about the way Buddy looked at you and at this point that Vanessa and I were up every 2 hours at night to make sure he went out, I took him out once an hour during the day, and Buddy could barely stand. He looked at me on one of our 3 am bathroom trips outside, and I could tell he was done, he was ready to pass away I didn't blame him...he fought it, we fought it, but the inevitable conversation was upon us. I came in woke Vanessa up and told her "I think Buddy is ready to leave us," she agreed and we began making plans to handle it. I knew I was the one that needed to see Buddy through this last bit of life so I picked a day. Vanessa was at work, Dakota wouldn't be home for bit, and I decided this would a good life lesson for Brock to share with me. When we got Buddy, I gave a bunch of reasons he wouldn't work with our lifestyle, but this day of sadness, pain, and emptiness was the real reason I didn't want a dog, yet here we were all the same. I cried a few times leading up to the day Buddy left us and yes I am a full grown man that cried over the dog more than once, I come by it honest too, all the men I grew up around: Grandfathers, and Father are tough, hardened, resilient men that somehow have a soft spot for their pets and I am no exception. The day came and it was tough, the doctor that came to the house did a great job, she was positive and consoling just like I have been professionally to so many people losing loved ones. Buddy passed away, I held him while he took his last breath he was comforted and not alone, I knew I had done my job. We threw out of all his things, took down all the pictures, and gave away our last bit of dog food. It was a tough day finally over, and somehow I was granted a sense of relief.

The days after Buddy's passing started to feel pretty empty. My sleep wasn't great: there wasn't a need to wake up every two hours anymore, My appetite was erratic I didn't have a partner to share my eggs with in the morning anymore, and I was lonely I didn't have anyone to talk to all day while I worked. I was grieving. When we grieve something, it is a rewiring of our brain to an extent. The place we are receiving dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin has been taken away somewhat abruptly. This can be the loss of a relationship, loved one or pet. In my case I missed my friend, I missed taking care of him, I missed him licking my hand, and I missed the productivity I felt in his constant management of his health. When we tell people about our grief and loss, they do what people do, try and help with advice like "wait at least a year to get a dog," "don't get another dog just because you're sad," "you will always feel empty" or "have you gone through the stages of grief yet?" As a therapist I learned some things about grief one of them is that grief isn't a liar. Your thought process around anxiety or depression can be full of faulty cognition or irrational feelings, but grief isn't that, your grief happened!! It is real, it wasn't a bad dream, it's real ,and here you are left to deal with it. I did deal with it, and I dealt with it on my terms and my way. I say this not to say my way is right, but to let you know it worked and your way can work too..

It was a week to the day of Buddy's passing that I had a scared 8 pound chihuahua named "Chili" under my desk cautiously eating sliced turkey off the floor. Vanessa and I lasted a week without a dog. Our grief with losing Buddy isn't over as evidenced by the tears on the keyboard as I type this. I do know that getting "Chili" helped and we both knew it would. It is great having "Chili" around I have breakfast with him everyday, he enjoys long walks with me, and everyone says he loves me most!! My life, just like yours, is full of loss, and part of the human experience is handling this loss. As a therapist I learned long ago that grief doesn't carry too many steadfast rules, except that it should be a process and if that process seems stuck, that is when you may need to see someone to help you move forward. As I age I don't see grief as a bad thing I see it as a good thing when we grieve it means we had a meaningful relationship, we had an amazing bond with a loved one, or had the chance to have a really awesome, loyal, affectionate dog!!