How therapy revealed to me the person I was meant to be - By Karyn Clark (World traveler and friend of ABOVE)

Never a fan nor a great believer in psychotherapy, I was a total hypocrite. I definitely had a desire to pursue counsel and it was always in the periphery of my life and mind. You should see my extensive back-dated collection of self-help books lingering in a storage locker, published as far back as the early ‘80’s. Just like everything else in my life, I concluded long ago that figuring life and myself out was best left to me and I think I had good reason. 

Had I been born in another era, and mental health had been less stigmatized and resources more readily available, my life would have been much simpler to navigate. Today, 38 years later, I now know this without a doubt. How do I know?  I have a great therapist, that’s how. Better late than never….

Just prior to starting that personal “self-help” library, I had formally reached out for some counselling. It was 1983 and I had just turned 18. I had painstakingly worked up the courage to ask my GP for help with my problem eating, at which point he referred me to I pilot project that was developing therapeutic interventions for eating disorders.  Part of the interventional therapy involved sessions with a psychiatrist.  Because this was a research project in the works, I had to sign a release form. With apprehension I signed the forms and then felt like a “lab rat”. A few days later, worse than this, I felt like a “crazy lab rat”, when within a 10-15 minute meet and greet with the psychiatrist, I was told I had a disease called bulimia nervosa and further presented with a prescription for lithium.  My need for understanding, left me feeling broken and defective. I learned that day, once again, that I didn’t need to be listened to, I needed to be fixed without any reason other than I was born this way. 

There is some truth to being born of a certain nature. However, feeling that the world and culture one lives in is an ill fit, does not mean there is something wrong with a person. I was not confident nor experienced enough to embrace the fact that there is no “normal” only the norm. What I knew that day was that I was broken.  It became my truth with that “official” diagnosis. 

I must have been detached from myself even then, because I distinctly remember feeling hurt for the person inside of me, who simply wanted to learn how to live in less pain and confusion. I had betrayed her by exposing our secret and she got officially labeled a “f-ck up”. I chose not to take a medication and instead I chose to protect this person. I crumpled that script up in my pocket as I left, and chucked it in the first garbage can I saw. My plan was to high tail it as far from that office and research project as I could get. The only time I ever looked back again, was when I turned around to retrieve that lithium prescription from the garbage can to keep as a reminder that I would NEVER disclose any personal details to anyone in hope of trust and intimacy again. 

I was determined to figure out a way to live in this world even if I felt detached from it.  I also unknowingly and very pointedly began to ultimately detach from the very self I thought I was preserving, in a life of multiple adaptations to countless people and various environments that followed. 

The day I chose “crazy” me was a life defining moment of rebellious self-determination and preservation.  However, it was also an act loaded with self defensive and self-destructive tendencies on the flip side. Unable to express myself and emotionally regulate, I never settled for long because I was never settled inside. I learned to live with a high level anxiety that I came to think must be normal for others if I could sustain it.  

It was not all bad. Life felt like a trip with exciting, adventurous and progressive periods,  but it was always punctuated with excruciating periods of recovery and more “new beginnings”.   I seemed incapable of sustaining long term connection and relationships and I left so many little pieces of myself along the way that I honestly felt completely empty and without personal identity by the time I reached out for therapy.

There is a happy ending to this story. Looking back, it is shocking for me to realize the state of depression and burnout I was in when therapy became, what I now know to be, a life line back to personal meaning and purpose. Two years into therapy I am able to summarize my life experience. Life began again for me on New Year’s Eve 2021. Unbeknownst to me, the stars had aligned and the circumstances secondary to the pandemic provided me a serendipitous introduction to the unlimited potential offered in personalized on-line mental health and wellness apps. I was also beyond fortunate to meet my extraordinary therapist whom I continue to work with privately via tele-health today. By the time I nervously hit the “send payment” key after a day of ruminating, the global prevalence of anxiety and depression had been a great stimulus to the ever evolving  online therapy “Zoom-Boom”. Along with countless others, I signed up too, and good thing, because on-line therapy was a personal windfall for me. Committing to an outside appointment in an office when I could barley keep a dental appointment, was definitely never a feasible option, and hospital shift work made consistent scheduling impractical. Whether obstacles or convenient excuses, the on-line app immediately removed these barriers. With the variety of learning and communication modalities offered, I immediately felt hope that I could build a bridge of trust to the support I needed. To do this I wanted to feel in charge of my own mental health, and in confidence and peace share what I wanted at my own pace. The time and space to disclose ideas and feelings long hidden away required a cautious “undoing”. I got to know my therapist in thoughtful and concise discourse. I was hot and cold for quite sometime but the clincher with the on-line app is - I   kept coming back! Traditional office settings would not have hooked me in this way and I am beyond grateful for what evolved to become a life altering and transformative experience. 

It bears important mention in this revelation piece to acknowledge that my therapist is as as equally important, if not more so, than the ease and convenience of the app in hooking me to therapy. His knowledge, intuition and incredible sensitivity to the nuances of various communication and learning styles, makes him astute at optimizing an on-line platform for thorough client benefit. I needed a lot of reassurance and encouragement and he could read through my words and make sense for me when I could not. Once I got started it was like the flood gates opening up. I was better at writing that talking. He followed up in our private chat space with consistency. The reciprocal effort helped when I floundered and wanted to hide again. 

Fast forward to now and in the two years since signing up to that app, I have experienced profound change and transition. The only way I can summarize my growth trajectory is  “Life BT” and “Life AT” - before and after therapy.  I have retained the private services of the very same therapist with whom I connect with via Telehealth every week no matter my location or time zone. 

Ten months into our work, I was well into personal change and growth, when both my parents died. Shortly after this, I also retired from a 32 year career in high acuity healthcare. Right now I am in the midst of an overseas trip in East Africa and the Middle East. None of this upheaval has interrupted my weekly sessions. In the near future my husband and I plan to move and retire in East Africa with his family, so Life is still ALOT, just like before.

 The difference is, I am standing with confidence and moving decisively forward. I am living life. No longer am I just existing and trying to keep my balance. I don’t depend on therapy sessions (“Coach” would not want that) but I thrive because of the consistency of these weekly talks. I still have a lot of catching up to do, but I am not regretful. I feel proud because of therapy. It has shown me that I really did my best going it alone for so many years and I am a a survivor. Now I can look back without regret - most of the time. Work in progress….

I want to help others believe that No matter their age and stage in life, it is NEVER to late to reach out and explore you heart and mind, no matter how lost and jaded you feel. Your heart and mind know not your age and they don’t tell time. Do your own research, but I highly recommend therapeutic intervention and support with on-line apps and tele-health. Without the space and time my therapist and I shared in that on-line app, I could not have unraveled my tightly wound up self and exhaled after years of going it  alone still feeling broken and F-cked up since that very day, 38 years ago, that I was handed that prescription for lithium and I shut myself away for  safe keeping. 

This is definitely a big win “Coach”. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

TO BE CONTINUED…